I Have returned!

Just when you thought it was safe to surf the net I am back.

I have been away for a while due to a serious lack of interest in my fellow man and to recuperate from the stresses and strains of having to listen to the old biddy moaning about the weather and still losing her bus pass. Shouldn’t really be nasty about her, she can’t help being a miserable old s**, although it does appear to make her happy. I saw her pinch an ice cream off a toddler the other day (you must remember that summer day about two weeks ago when it actually never rained for 24 hours) and when the mother turned round to see why it was crying she accused it of sticking the ice cream into her hand, the kid was only about 18 months old.

Have you ever wondered where all the pensioners go for their holidays? They come by the coach load to this city and clog up the footpaths with their walking frames and massive hand bags and then complain if you accidentally knock one of them in front of a bus so you can get passed – unbelievable really, all they have to do is move a bit quicker and the bus would have missed them easily!

Advertisement

Doctors

Early morning start to visit the doctor today, appointment at 9am, got to see him at 10:30! Never mind it was worth it, I got to read Homes and Gardens from 1997 and Time Life magazine from 2002. Fascinating stuff in both issues, unfortunately all the adverts are out of date so I couldn’t buy that 16 bedroom house for £140,000 or go on the Arctic cruise for £250. Got my monies worth out of the doctor though he gave me 2 prescription and when I left the chemist I needed a wheelie bin to get everything home.

What a difference a day makes, the sun is out and it is warm. Everyone you meet is happy and full of the joys of spring. Except for the old dear who still can’t find her bus pass (see earlier post) who moaned because she had put a big coat on and was now too hot, for crying out loud, she only had to step outside before she set off to figure out it was warm, there again if she had done that she would probably have locked herself out because her keys are still somewhere in that suitcase of hers along with the bus pass!

Motorway travel/everyday life

Don’t you just love night time motorway travel, mile after mile of blocked off lanes with cones flashing amber lights and work lights making it impossible to see. The best bit is when you are in a fifty mile an hour area and some guy in a BMW with private plates goes tearing passed and the next thing you see is him pulled up with some nice flashing blue lights parked behind him – don’t the police realise he is a Very Important Person and doesn’t have to stick to speed limits!

After four hours of monotonous driving you reach your destination three hours late, in a foul mood gasping for a drink and some inconsiderate moron says “did you have a good trip up”. Oh Yes, excellent! Now go and annoy someone else.

Back to reality and a trip in to York. Park and Ride bus full of screaming kids (don’t the parents know how to push a pram and have a nice walk instead of annoying everyone?). What about the old dear at the front of the line who decides to get on and then search through a suitcase sized bag for her bus pass and then has another go at finding her purse while everyone else is stood on the footpath in the pouring rain, for crying out loud it isn’t rocket science to do that before the bus arrives! Such friendly drivers as well, they are obviously trained to wake people up by slamming the brakes on at the last minute while you are stood waiting to get off and slam you in to the person in front.

A pleasant stroll around town dodging around the same kids that were on the bus with mother strolling along in a world of her own, and the same dear old lady stopping dead in front of you because she has changed her mind about where she is going (and then calls you all the names under the sun because you bumped in to her). A quick call at a famous coffee shop for refreshment served by some girl whose only English is “have a nice day”, I would love to if only the same old lady has somehow taken a short cut and beaten me to the front of the line and is once more digging deep in to her suitcase to find her purse and loyalty card!!

Trains and London

Just back from London. Have you ever sat in the “quite coach” and enjoyed the peace and quite? No neither have I! Some geezer on the phone for the first 15 minutes letting everyone know how important he was. If he was that important he would have been in first class wouldn’t he? Anyway he did not take kindly to the chap from Newcastle telling him to “button it or I will ram that phone where it wont see daylight” (or words to that effect). Anyway he didn’t take the hint so the phone ended up being grabbed and flushed down the toilet and the guy getting a black eye for arguing. The rest of us didn’t see a thing! Bet it’s a while before he forgets how important he isn’t.

The journey home was nice and quiet and I noticed the guy with the black eye was in my coach but he obviously hadn’t got a spare phone, or he had learnt his lesson. What ever the reason he was not telling everyone how important he was, there again he never elaborated on the damage to his eye when someone asked how he had received the damage. Maybe in future he will keep his mouth shut.

I noticed that Virgin Trains are advertising that they are doing multi million pound upgrades to their services. Lets face it it’s about time. The train I was on had the air con blowing cold all the way home, i had icicles on the end of my nose and suffered frost bite when I stood up and the seat of my pants was ripped out because they had stuck to the seat. Just to make us really comfortable the refreshment trolley came down but only had cold drinks as the boiler had broken down.

What about London, the capital of bad manners and the blind. It appears to me that anyone who lives down there walks around with their eyes shut, they just walk into you and then expect you to apologize, come on I’m from Yorkshire and don’t apologize to anyone, except of course the wife. Have you noticed how everyone is in a rush down there? Even the Big Issue seller moves fast, I ended up buying a copy and had to chase him down the road for my change!

Monday Morning blues/Trident/Southerners

Went into York this morning for a walk round and a coffee. Wish I hadn’t bothered, everyone moaning because it was “too cold”, “no sunshine”, “could do with some rain “, “coffee takes too long to make nowadays”. There’s a lot to be said for euthanasia at 70 (until I get there of course). Did you see all those Trident protesters at the weekend? What the hell are we supposed to do if we get attacked? I suppose it would be a case of bending over and kissing your ass good bye. What about all the jobs that would go, of course that doesn’t matter as the bulk of them are here in the North so the Southerners couldn’t careless about that aspect. Talking of Southerners I am off to London tomorrow so I will have to put up with thousands of the mamby pambys.

Oh well its nearly five o’clock so I will have to sign off and hit the whisky and forty fags again. Hic!

Kirkcudbright Burns Supper

Well sorry folks no pictures, mainly due to being unable to hold my phone steady enough! Brilliant night with the usual amount of whisky flowing. Mind you it cost me n arm and a leg for raffle tickets, would you believe a Scotsman actually got a fiver out of me, I will never live it down. Anyway I woke up Sunday morning feeling very depressed at the thought of having to pay all that money out and not winning anything. At least I managed to get into my bed, one Scotsman who shall be nameless ended up sleeping on the floor in his coat.

Coming home we hit the usual Sunday drivers in second gear on the motorway complaining because we were able to get into third and overtake them. I just thank the lord that it is still winter, another couple of months and the motorway will be clogged up with all those aged hippies pulling caravans behind 4×4’s that they cant handle!

Hospital appointment, A66 and Kirkcudbright

 

Went for a chest xray yesterday. You would not beleive the inteligence of some of my fellow patientce. One old dear had been walking around for an hour trying to find the way out. For gods sake if you can find your way in but not out this must be a case for euthanasia, or at least for a bed in a nursing home! I noticed three wards wete closed due to infection. Hey lets close them all, think of the money the NHS could save, no patients equals no nurses or doctors requored, of course you would still need to pay millions out for the chief executive, we cant do without a well paid administrator can we!!

Would you believe a journey from York to Kirkcudbright could take so long! Left York at 11am and arrived at the hotel at 5:15!  Talk about slow drivers, some of them would have been quicker if they had walked. It should be the law that weekend drivers and those over 90 should be banned from the roads. Some of these drivers actually get into third gear occasionally. Once we reached our dstination we had  a couple of pints in the Masonic Arms and watched Scotland beat Italy in the rugby this only added to the misery!

We (my driver and me) are due to go to the last Burns Supper of the year in Scotland. This should be a good event, especially as we are already “three sheets to the wind”. This may help us understand the Scottish equivalent of queens English. Hopefully I will be sober enough to post a picture if anyone is interested! With luck there will not be any senile old codgers attending tonight I have had enough of those on the way here.

The Environment and face book pages

Sorry there was nothing out there yesterday, I spent the whole day at a lecture on the environment (actually 3 hours but it felt like all day). Some geezer with a degree was telling us how we are ruining the planet by using fossil fuels and polluting the atmosphere. I have to ask, do I really care? It ain’t going to affect me, I’ll be dust long before any major changes wipe out civilisation. Do I really care what state the earth will be in 50 years from now? If the young’uns want to survive then they will have to do something about it, that’s what we fought a war for, so they can muck everything up as good as we did.

Following on from the fascinating lecture above I had to attend the quarterly meeting of the old codgers club last night. This was great, half of them couldn’t hear a damn thing, and the other half are that far gone they didn’t understand a word that was being said. We did get some decisions through though. One of our younger members aged 78 suggested we start a face book page and everyone agreed this would be a brilliant idea. One of the guys went and got his camera and took photos of us all which we stuck on a page then glued the page up on the wall, then tried to guess who everyone was. Cant see what all the fuss is about really, as far as I am concerned the page can stay stuck on the wall for evermore, I don’t think we will ever get round to making a book, its even less exciting than the environmental lecture was!

Tesco

Don’t you just love it when you get behind a family of seven at the till. Mum and dad trying to ignore all those bawling kids. Crisps everywhere and ketchup making it look like something from Rocky Horror. Then mum cant find her purse and dad throws a wobbly at one of the kids. And they say pensioners don’t know what they are doing, at least our kids knew how to behave (not!).

On the way home I was being tailgated by some yob in a fiesta with a beer can for an exhaust – I made him mess himself when I hit the brake pedal and accelerator at the same time and left him standing. Who says the younger generation have all the fun, true the guy in front wasn’t too happy about loosing his wing mirror as I overtook him, but then he shouldn’t be on the road if he cant take a joke

Coffee time

What a load of moaning old codgers in Costa this morning! The sun is out and not a cloud in the sky and what do you get? “Hell its cold this morning”. “I’m sick of defrosting the car”. “When are we going to get some decent weather!”.

For crying out load, when you get to our age you have to be thankful that you wake up in the morning. Then there is the challenge of putting on your socks, there was a time when I could stand on one leg and put the sock on the other foot, now its all I can manage to sit down and lift my leg onto the bed in order to reach the foot. Anyway I managed that and went for a two hour walk to the end of the drive and back, all of five meters including a rest on the gate post before coming back.

What about the news? Cameron telling us we should stay in Europe and Boris telling us to come out. If we stay in we are at the mercy of the Eurocrats in Brussels and if we come out we are at the mercy of our own politicians. Some choice! The only difference it will make is that we either get more immigrants or we suffer the prospect of us having to go back to work to fill all the jobs that they are taking.

Oh well back to the house work, or maybe another cup of coffee and twenty fags before I go to the hospital for my chest xray.